I must admit, I love the atheist group I belong to on Facebook. It reserves as a repository of pieces of pseudoscience that we can all collectively mock in a lighthearted fashion. Today, I was served with a link to a spellcaster named Dr. Ogundu. He sold a collection of spellcasting services that perhaps could assist with my dating woes. Naturally, I sent him an email explaining my plight. For your amusement, I have included the full email I sent below, and it’s a good laugh!
Dear Dr. Ogundu,
I received notification of the services you provide from a tipster online and believe you may just have what I need. Allow me to explain my story in full.
My current predicament is one that is relatively easy to solve, at least according to the services you provide. It appears that your Attract Lovers and Admirers spell may just be the right service, but I need to be specific. Additionally, some of your other spells may assist.
You see, I have no trouble in specific areas. Because I possess the gift of stamina, I have no problems satisfying my partner. However, getting to that point and making sure my partner stays seems to be an issue.
Since some of these spells seem to cover areas that I am targeting, I am going to allow you to form a package of spells that can assist me. Here’s what I want:
I want to be instantly attractive to women. But not just any type of woman. I’m looking at a specific demographic. I partake in specific hobbies that I want to my partner to share with me. Some of these are typical nerd hobbies like video games, but since I play a lot of Dungeons & Dragons I believe that it would be in my best interest to target that aspect.
We can get even more specific since the game has been released in several editions. If you can put the editions in the following hierarchy of how attracted people get to me it would be most beneficial:
Now, the general reasoning behind this is because 5th edition is the most popular edition of the game thus far. The further back we go the older my potential lover will likely be. There are additional variations of the game, but if I included them all we would be here all day. The exception, of course, is 4th edition and that’s simply because the audience for that is too small.
Not only that, but I want the mere rolling of a die to be intensely erotic for them. Indeed, playing a session of Dungeons & Dragons should end in the throes of passion atop the table. I was able to previously accomplish this with one of my ex-girlfriends as we watched “Return of the King” as a form of nerd foreplay, so I believe that this is well within the realm of possibility.
But, despite my skill and prowess, I seem to have difficulty maintaining that relationship for whatever reason. So I additionally need to make sure my lover stays with me. Please let me know what you can do for this predicament and the pricing that is required to make this happen.
Thank you very much,
The email was promptly replied to, the good doctor asked for a collection of personal information that I obviously didn’t send. Since I was aware of the possibility that this was a scam, I had taken the precaution of using a throwaway email. So nothing of value was lost.
Of course, perhaps my predicament can be better addressed by looking in places where those criteria can be adequately met, refining my social skills so that I am more desirable, adjusting my expectations to something more realistic, and learning from my previous mistakes. That would be the mature and adult way to handle this.
But of course, our desire for easy answers can lead us down the wrong path and in my opinion any type of guru who comes to you with a one-size-fits-all approach to dating is selling you a bill of goods.
I am going to stick to my intended plan and do what I suggested as answers to my predicament. I would implore anyone looking for an easy button to do the same.