A Series of Unfortunate Dates With Russian Women From My Spambox

 

So, as I mentioned yesterday, I received an invitation to find “hot Russian girls” and look at their private photo albums.

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The savvy user may believe that this is just a phishing attempt. These people are wrong. I found myself quickly entangled with several suspiciously attractive Russian women. So attractive that they defy photographs. You’re just going to have to imagine hot platinum blonde women with perfect complexion and those ushankas on. Ushankas are pretty sexy, I’d say.

I struck up a conversation with Alyona first, and we quickly found ourselves eating at a nearby steakhouse. I remember her little quirks, how she’d wiggle the fork just a little bit when she stabbed into the hunk of meat. Her accent was thin, just noticeable if you asked her to speak in Russian or if a loanword got dropped in.

As it turns out though, my conversational skills around Russian culture needed a lot of work. It probably didn’t help that I cribbed all of my conversation topics from “Talking to Russian Women For the Willfully Ignorant”.

I began with vodka. Can’t stand the stuff, personally. Gotta have it mixed with something else. But she seemed hesitant. I pulled out topics, Tetris, communism, the prevalence of the names “Vladimir” and “Sergei”.

The conversation really got going when we talked about Lenin’s tomb. She informed me, “No, Lenin’s still alive. I don’t get why everyone thought he died and is just being preserved. He makes a pretty good cup of coffee too.”

This led me to ask, if Lenin was still alive, what else did I not know? She enlightened me, “Political decisions are determined by playing Tetris.”

Tetris! It was genius! Why didn’t I think of that? What if Alexei Pajitnov just flew in by chopper to the Kremlin? He would bring with the gift of Tetris ports, except for the iPhone one because someone royally screwed that up. How do you screw up Tetris? Maybe he has plans for the producers at Threshold who are making a movie trilogy out of it.

At that point, I could feel the tension in the air. Foregoing our social graces, we started making out on top of the table while “Korobeiniki” played in the background. Sure, I had no idea what was going on but I wasn’t about to kill the mood.

We finished up at a nearby motel, but we decided it would be best to part ways for now. I will miss Alyona, but perhaps it’s for the best. Perhaps if I check my spambox, I’ll find the next love…

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Hmm, looks like I’ve got my work cut out for me….