The Cost of Benefits

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This has been an article I wanted to write for quite a long time. I had to approach the subject matter with utmost care, because of the intimate nature inherent to this discussion. Naturally, this is going to discuss sexuality in a frank manner. I will mention some personal stuff, but I’ll try to keep it discrete enough so that the emphasis is more on learning from this than indulging in salacious details.

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Thoughts From an iPhone Screen Episode 1: Mom

I am trying a new format for short form blogging that focuses on word economy and capturing the mood of moment. It may read more like poetry than journalism, but that’s part of the beauty of such language… Anyways, on with it.
Mom- I didn’t plan to see you tonight,

Playing games with friends before vacation,

Nose is still stuffy from remnants of a cold,

Coughing because I gotta get home to take the NyQuil. Got lozenges though,

Things still suck,

Breakup blues, therapy droughts due to us going on vacation, wondering why I didn’t see it coming…

I talk to lots of people though,

Turns out I’ve come real,

But even though I know,

It’s still hard to see,
Sometimes I wonder,

Do I even know what I want?

I’ve been wrong about myself before,

And sometimes other people know more,

But that’s scary, no doubt,

Maybe that’s why no says it,

Sometimes you have no better explanation than “things are just shitty sometimes”

Old and big problems alike,

Don’t get fixed overnight,

Wishful thinking is fruitless,

Hinders real solutions, rea possibilities,

But coming to see you tonight, mom,

Made things just a little bit better,

It’s all I ever could have asked,

I’m so grateful,
I don’t talk about death a lot,

Who wants to talk about it,

But all sorts of ideas surround it,

By people far smarter than I.
But what was an end to your life was a beginning of mine,

Everything, and everyone, all changed,

For better or for worse,

I find to reductive to suggest death has one true feeling, one true emotion,

It can mean so many different things,

To so many different people,

All of it mixing together,

To create fucks knows what,
I’m not angry at you,

I do not blame you,

That changes nothing,

But I will say this,

I am in many ways grateful,

I knew someone so kind,

Someone who cared,

One with a unique touch,

But I am honest oh my approach,

I miss you so much,

I  am glad I saw you today,

A Moment of Darkness, or Perhaps Longer…

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I had hoped to return this summer with a triumphant amount of discussion about the relationship I cultivated this spring, maybe some interesting anecdotes and things that I learned. Alas, that can’t happen. While my ex and I had been broken up for a while now, we still talked until a couple of days ago.

This has been a very difficult period of time for me, and it has interacted with my depression in a largely predictable fashion. I have hinted at my depression in some posts, but I have never given it a real examination.

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